Let’s Play Obamanopoly: Act I

by Kris Olson
Contributing Writer

Five people enter a room, one of them carrying a Monopoly box. They are President Obama, Mitch McConnell (R-Ky), Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and United Auto Workers member Joe Yanowicz. They sit around a table and begin to set up the game.

OBAMA: I want to be the thimble.

MCCONNELL: You were the thimble last time.

OBAMA: No, I was the shoe.

BLANKFEIN: I thought Geithner was the shoe.

OBAMA: No, Tim was the sack of money. We had this argument last time when Barney Frank played with us. He went on for 10 minutes that he wanted to be the thimble. We thought that was just his way of saying “symbol.”

BLANKFEIN: Oh, yeah. Geithner, you’ll be the Scottie dog this time. And the banker, too.

GEITHNER: If you say so.

OBAMA: Wait a second, Tim. I’m your boss, and you’re going to be the sack of money again.

BLANKFEIN: Mr. President, what’s good for Goldman Sachs is good for the rest of Monopoly. I say Geithner’s the Scottie dog, I’m the top hat, you’re the horse and rider and Sen. McConnell’s the car.

JOE: What about me? Shouldn’t I be the car?

MCCONNELL: Who said you can even sit at the table?

JOE: Your ridiculous turtle face, that’s who. You can be the wheelbarrow. I made this car, for God’s sake.

GEITHNER: Then it’s settled. [Geithner reads from the bottom of the box and begins distributing the Monopoly money.] Each player receives $1,500.

BLANKFEIN: [Pointing off in the distance] Hey! Look over there! Those two men are trying to get married…to each other!

As Joe turns his head, Geithner hands an extra $500 to Blankfein. Joe returns his attention to the board, unaware of the transaction.

Joe rolls a two, putting him on a Community Chest space. He realizes the Community Chest pile is missing.

JOE: Uh, does anyone here know where the Community Chest cards went?

MCCONNELL: We got rid of them.

JOE: Got rid of what?

MCCONNELL: The Community Chest. We got rid of it.

JOE: Why?

MCCONNELL: Because it’s socialist.

JOE: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

MCCONNELL: It means the Community Chest is socialist. You can go to Canada if you want a Community Chest. Besides, the pile is going bankrupt.

JOE: How is a Community Chest pile going bankrupt?

MCCONNELL: Because it’s socialist.

JOE: It’s a pile of cardboard.

MCCONNELL: It’s a pile of debt. And that’s not even including the royalties we’re going to have to pay Parker Brothers because of this skit.

JOE: There have always been 16 Community Chest cards. It’s been one of the most successful safety nets in Parker Brothers history.

MCCONNELL: We’re working on an alternative that we think you’ll like better.

JOE: Yeah?

MCCONNELL: We’d like to give you the opportunity to take the money you’d otherwise receive from the Community Chest and invest it in the Chance pile.

JOE: Are you deranged? The Chance pile is about as secure as a backroom craps game. I’d be risking my savings.

MCCONNELL: But that’s what you get with the invisible hand of Adam Smith.

JOE: That invisible hand seems to be squeezing my balls a lot these days.

END ACT I

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