Breaking News: Oprah Will Not Host 2016 Olympics

by Kris Olson

COPENHAGEN – Despite a compelling biography, billions of dollars and a personal bid by President Barack Obama, the International Olympic Committee voted Friday that media personality and Chicago-native Oprah Winfrey will not host the 2016 Olympic Games.

Rio de Janeiro, Madrid, Tokyo and Oprah were finalists in the contest, though Oprah was eliminated in the first round of voting.

Oprah’s bid to host the games rested largely on her rags-to-riches personal story. Though she lived in poverty for much of her childhood in rural Mississippi, Oprah later found success in Chicago and has recently been named Forbes Magazine’s Wealthiest Black American.

Guided by its official slogan, “Put on Your O-Face,” Oprah’s innovative vision for the games was apparently not good enough for the committee.

Instead of being covered by NBC and its affiliates, for example, the Oprah Olympiad would receive its widest exposure ever via “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” “Oprah and Friends” XM radio, “O Magazine,” “O at Home,”, Oprah’s Book Club, a feature film from Harpo Productions, the forthcoming OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network and a made-for-TV movie on Winfrey’s other network, “Oxygen.”

Additionally, the Oprah Games would have brought a personal, understanding touch to the often-politicized quadrennial event. Instead of being banished to a life of shame, steroid users would be given the opportunity to explain themselves on Oprah’s couch. Even Dr. Phil would pay an occasional visit: “And how’s that back-ne working out for you?”

Some commentators and activists, such as noted schmuck William “Bill” Kristol, have expressed glee at Oprah’s failure.

“Oprah’s radical agenda to destroy middle-afternoon America had to be stopped,” Kristol said.

Still, many have been turned off by the right’s negativity about Oprah losing her Olympic bid. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs criticized naysayers like Kristol.

“I think only the most partisan cynics would find joy in Oprah’s loss. I know for a fact that the president was looking forward to all Olympic fans receiving a free car,” Gibbs said.

Kristol, however, continued to criticize Obama’s inability to deliver the Olympics to Oprah.

“This issue really does matter,” Kristol said. “After all, Hitler successfully brought the 1936 Olympics to Berlin, and history has praised his leadership ever since.”


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