Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: What is “No Shave November,” and should I participate?

A: Dear Clean-Cut,
“No Shave November” is a sort of month-long holiday centered on the release of the seemingly universal male repression of three desires: to be as manly as a lumberjack, to cause drivers of passing cars to lock their doors and clutch their pepper spray, and to look as good as Hugh Jackman.

Studies have shown, though, that only one of these three goals has actually been accomplished during No Shave November – I’ll give you a hint: No one will ever look as good as Hugh Jackman, and, most likely, more facial hair will only make your small frame, which couldn’t strong-arm a plastic lumberjack axe, look even smaller.

No Shave November has also been known to lead to relationship casualties, as participants’ girlfriends are likely to suffer the tragic and ugly beard-burn that results from kissing the prickly faces of unshaven partners. Benefits, however, include gaining the ability to catch food that doesn’t make it to your mouth to save for later and drawing attention away from other potentially unattractive features.

If the pros outweigh the cons for you here, then I’d say go for it – but make sure you shave before December rolls around; otherwise you could find yourself in jail as little children try to sit on your lap and ask for presents.

Q: I was looking at coming to Transy, but a recruiter from another college in Lexington said, “You’re a Division I athlete! You don’t want to go there.” Would I still enjoy playing sports at Transy?A: Dear Deceived,
You caught us! There’s absolutely no way you’d enjoy playing sports here if you are a “Division I athlete.”

Just think about it: no huge crowds of screaming fans harassing you for autographs when you try to go to the mall with friends, no being criticized on the front page of the local newspaper when you mess up (because you will), no getting away with only keeping good enough grades so you can play, no getting arrested because excessive fame has led to overwhelming pressures to party too hard, no making it into the professional leagues (because every “Division I athlete” makes it to the pros).

I mean, it would be nearly impossible to still enjoy playing the sport you love, assuming you actually love it, at a school that puts more emphasis on high academic standards than on its athletics program. You might, however, be able to enjoy not being singularly defined by your athletic abilities here, so it’s really up to you.

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