Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: Registration is coming up this week. What should I expect?

A: Dear Not-yet-angry,

Registration is a most unusual biannual phenomenon that has baffled scientists for years. It simultaneously creates harmony and utter contempt between members of the campus community. That everyone must wake up at the butt crack of dawn and wait outside Old Morrison in the freezing cold only to wait for hours more inside in order to get the classes they want creates a camaraderie between students unlike any other event of the year – your hatred of the system will soon bind you together with your fellow classmates and give you something to complain about while you’re stuck waiting in line.

A note of caution, though: While you might feel a strengthened bond with these people, you will, at the same time, feel complete disdain for those in front of you and complete superiority over those behind you, even as you feign kindness. It doesn’t matter if the person in front of you is your best friend in the entire world; you will lie to them about the classes you want so that they don’t try to switch into one and take up another spot; you will try to talk them out of taking a class you want, saying things like “I’ve heard that class is so hard. I heard it’s impossible to get an A,” and you will not hesitate to steal their spot in line if they make the rookie mistake of thinking it’s okay to leave line to go to the restroom.

Moreover, depending on which semester it is and which letter your last name begins with, it is not unheard of to end up hating an entire half of the alphabet, or your parents for having such a crappy last name.

In addition to preparing yourself for this strange paradox of simultaneous hatred and friendship, you will need to practice a couple of crucial phrases for this whole process. The most important is, “I have been interested in this class for months. Will you give me a course pass?” The second, which first-years will need after the registration process, is, “No, really, that’s the FLA II class I wanted all along!”

Also, you should plan on missing class on your particular day and having your participation scores docked in all your classes – but, hey, it’s just how the system works. Good luck!

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