My Pre-Curtain Speech

by Kris Olson

Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are in a Persistent Vegetative State.”

As usual, we ask that you please silence your cell phones. For those audience members with a Lady Gaga ringtone, we ask that you go ahead and leave the room altogether. Also, silence your Palm Pilots, Blackberrys, Pocket PCs, iPhones, PSPs, MP3 players, wristwatch alarms, graphing calculators, Gameboys and pacemakers. Please set all phasers to stun.

Remember that the use of flash photography is strictly forbidden as it blinds the performers. In fact, I heard that it was a Nikon D60 that got Stevie Wonder.

Videotaping this event is also prohibited without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. … On second thought, the MLB can’t even stop players from using steroids, so record away!

If you’d like to use steroids during the performance, however, be our guest.

Those with noisy children should escort the little twerps to the back of the house where we have psychoanalysts waiting to figure out what the hell is wrong with you people. Honestly – find a babysitter. On a similar note, those audience members nearest death should be seated closest to the exit signs.

Next, due to fake outrage about Robert Mapplethorpe, we are an entirely non-government-funded institution. Therefore, all donations to the theater are 100 percent tax and guilt deductible. Mellow Mushroom coupons do not count.

And now for the moment no one has been waiting for: recognition of our sponsors. Our production is brought to you by The Webb Company: Lexington’s Leader in Tearing Down Historical Buildings to Plant Some Grass; The Big Ass Fan Company: Second Only to McDonald’s in Big Asses; and in part by viewers nothing like you.

Please take note of a few corrections in the program. Instead of thanking his parents, Michael Conning “would like to blame his mom and dad for the nearly 12 years of psychotherapy he had to endure. He would also like to thank Valium.” We apologize for the inconvenience.

A reception in the lobby will follow the show. In the meantime, please sit back and enjoy tonight’s performance of “Little Orphan Annie Get Your Gun.”


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