Keeping the ‘Kris’ in Kristmas: a Holiday Gift Guide for 2009

by Kris Olson

December is upon us, and in a short time we’ll all be pondering the true meaning of Christmas: owning a blanket with sleeves.

I’m kidding, of course, because the joy of Christmas began last week on Black Friday, a simple day when all kinds of Americans can come together to share holiday cheer for just three easy payments of $19.95.

Here, then, is my Official 2009 Gift Guide, a list of items that will make your loved ones say, “You didn’t have to.” (Note: If you owned a dreidel as a kid, you might as well skip to “Cheers and Jeers” or the Sudoku puzzle.)

1. The Joe Lieberman Inaction Figure – Pull the cord on this plaything and you’ll hear a two-hour, monotonous filibuster about why only toys serving in Congress deserve public health care. Note that collecting 60 similar inaction figures does not ensure that your child’s playtime will occur. Cost: $400,000 or one chairmanship.

2. Christmas bonuses – Do you have the great fortune of running a company like Goldman Sachs or AIG? Channel your inner Scrooge by screwing your employees and their families once more. For all your hard work and the beating you’ve taken from the public these days, it’s time you treated yourself. Cost: $70 million, plus stock options.

3. Snuggie – There is no valid reason to buy a Snuggie.

4. Lou Dobbs Sings the Best of Jose Feliciano – Now that Lou Dobbs is no longer hosting his fact-free show on CNN, he’s found time to record a tribute to America’s great Latin folk singer. Though it includes hits like “Feliz Navidad,” the rumor mill has it that Dobbs turned down three songs in English that could do the job just as well! Cost: $14.95 or 193 Pesos.

5. A Giant, Steaming Turd – Give this gift to any Maine voters you know. They’ll know why.

6. Snuggie – Have I made fun of the Snuggie yet? Because a blanket can’t really trap your arms, for your information.

7. The mePhone – Can’t afford an iPhone? Worry not, because the cheap knock-off, the mePhone, is here. While it technically has zero apps, the mePhone offers for the first time in history a speaking device that includes a mouthpiece and a receiver. And though the mePhone people were unable to get Feist to do their commercials, too, they were able to hire the Jonas Brothers. … Anyone? Anyone? The Jonas Brothers?

That’s it for now. You have five more days of Christmas that you have to figure out for yourself. Also, the Rambler is finished for the rest of the term, which means that if you want to hear my ridiculous commentary before January, you’ll have to hang out with me separately. Cost: Your precious time and self-respect.


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