Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: Lately I’ve noticed an increase in the number of obscene or overtly drunken texts in my inbox. What is the cause of this, and what can I do to stop it?

A: Dear Sober Texter,

My guess is you’ve been seeing a lot of texts like this: “I just woke up across town riding a camel in a duck suit in a church with a chicken in my purse and five dollars taped to my forehead. Good night?” Or like this: “omg I so drunnck woooo juhg shfu nvia love you!” Congratulations, you’ve just been victimized by what I like to call the texts-from-last-night-beggar.

As a Web site that allows people to send in the ridiculous texts they receive to be published for the general public’s amusement, http://textsfromlastnight.com has quickly become a college student staple for wasting precious homework time. Students seem to derive pleasure from the site by either praising the Lord that they’re not so idiotic or more likely relating to the drunken stupidity portrayed by the texts.

If there is one thing college students love more than being able to relate to drunken disasters, it’s topping them – this is the reason why your dumb-text volume has increased. Students seem to be seeking out more and more ridiculous and disastrous situations, texting you about it and desperately hoping that you will send in their text to be published on the Web site, so they can update their Facebook status with something like, “I finally did something stupid enough to get on Texts from Last Night. Aren’t you proud of what your $30,000 a year on tuition is funding, Mom and Dad?”

The best thing to do when you receive one of these texts is to ignore it, or better yet, respond simply with, “I’m not putting you on Texts from Last Night. In fact, I’m forwarding this text to your Mom.” I guarantee you’ll never see another one like it again!

Q: I read your column, but none of your advice applies to me. How can I change this?

A: Dear Unadvised,

Funny you should ask this! While I think it’s clear that my advice is completely serious and applies to everyone, sometimes you may find yourself needing advice about something other than what I have offered that week.

You’re in luck! Kydd U. Naught is now accepting your questions for this semester! Want to know how to get that girl you’ve been Facebook stalking? Need suggestions for a party theme? Think you may have the flesh-eating virus and want to know what to do? My store of advice is boundless; anything goes!

Ask your questions now! Kydd U. Naught is now on Facebook, so post your questions to my wall or send them in a message. If you detest Facebook, you can send them to kyddunaught@gmail.com. All names will be changed for the paper, so there’s no chance of embarrassment – what do you have to lose?

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