Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: I’ve been talking to this guy online, and he really wants to meet me. I really like him, but I don’t know how to meet him in person safely. How do I do that?

A: Dear Potentially Kidnapped,

Let me guess. The guy you’re talking about is unbelievably handsome in his profile picture; he says all the right things to you online, and he’s basically you in male form: “Oh you order a Queso Burrito from Qdoba with chicken, steak, black beans, every kind of salsa, and sour cream added in the shape of a smiley face? No way! I order the exact same thing!”

I hate to burst your bubble, but young women, as a rule of thumb, should consider the Internet a festering cesspool of creepers these days. Let’s use me as an example. I’m guessing since you wrote me a question you enjoy my column, might relate to my humor and you might have even decided you “like” me. You’re probably even my friend on Facebook, but let’s face it – you have no idea who I am really. It’s easy for anyone to create a profile on any Internet Web site for a fictional persona, upload a random picture and act like someone else. I can tell you anything I want, and you’ll buy it because you think you know my personality. But I could be someone you hate. I could be sitting next to you in the computer lab right now. I hope you get my point.

It could be that this is a perfectly nice guy, but for the sake of your safety, I’d recommend hitting up your favorite coffee shop, library, club, store, whatever, to find a mate if you’re on the prowl. And if you’re dead set on meeting this one, I’d suggest a romantic picnic in the parking lot of the police station. You know, just in case.

Q: Do you think it would be better to purchase a car now while in college or bum rides till grad school?

A: Dear Hitcher,

The only reason I would suggest waiting to get a car would be to save yourself from having to cart around people that don’t have a car.
I bet you’ve recently discovered that people answer your calls less and less frequently than they did when you first met them. Want to know why? Everyone will pretend they don’t mind it, but the truth is, no one likes a perpetual Hitcher.

It’s an inconvenience to those of us with the transportation, especially if we haven’t explicitly offered the ride in question. If you call us saying you need a ride to Chuck-E-Cheese for your nephew’s birthday, and by the way, he cried when he heard you might not come because you don’t have a car, but we already had plans to go kick butt in laser tag on the exact opposite side of town, we’ll feel obligated to take you, but you just deposited a hefty amount into our resentment bank. Good luck making a withdrawal.

If you insist on waiting to get a car, at the very least pay your poor chauffeur some gas money. And not just for their trip there, but their trip back as well.

If you can’t afford a car, a bike, skateboard or pair of roller skates is a good way to get you places faster than you could walk. Or you can come up with your own creative means of transportation. I’d suggest rocket skates, as seen on the show “Jackass,” as a good way to get where you need to go – especially if you plan on going to the hospital.

These questions were submitted by Transy Students like you! I need more questions for next week. No subject is off limits. Submit them to kyddunaught@gmail.com or to my Facebook page!

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