Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: If vegans can’t eat the products of living animals, are they allowed to “swallow”?

A: Dear Malnourished,

This seems a rather off sort of question, doesn’t it? I’m confused as to why anyone would not want to swallow their food, but you asked, so here’s my advice: Vegans, carnivores, cannibals, just swallow. Everyone should swallow; vegans just can’t swallow things that have come from non-human animals that have been killed or mistreated.

Let’s think about the negative side effects of not swallowing for a minute. First, you don’t get the full benefits of your food. You did all that painstaking work, expended all that energy cooking, waited patiently for it to finish, even though you had a hundred other things you’d rather be doing – and you’re just going to spit it out and not at least get some nutrients out of it? Plus, on top of all the time you spent cooking, you now have an extra mess to clean up. Even if it’s the worst food you’ve ever tasted, just bite the bullet, swallow it and save yourself more trouble.

Second, imagine you’re invited over for dinner and find yourself with a huge load of food in your mouth. Put yourself in the host’s position: Wouldn’t you be offended? Wouldn’t you become self-conscious about the flavor of your food? Wouldn’t you put the person who spits your food out on the list of people never to invite over for dinner ever again? Even if you politely spit the food into a napkin, towel, or excuse yourself to go spit it out in the bathroom, the host is sure to take notice, become defensive, and potentially criticize the taste of your food, too. Swallowing the food will bring your host and yourself closer, and will most definitely lead to more frequent dinner party invitations.

Swallowing your food, no matter how bad it tastes, looks, or feels, is easier, faster, cleaner, and more polite. It never occurred to me that people didn’t do it, so I hope this helps!

Q: I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents this weekend. What should I wear?

A: Dear Naked,

Ah, the dreaded but inevitable meeting of the parents. It’s a phenomenon we all have to face, and the question of clothing is always the biggest worry. Well, let me alleviate your fears for a second: Your boyfriend’s parents will be judging everything about you, not just your clothes. They’ll come up with a hundred ways you’re not good enough for him; i.e., when you walked into the kitchen you swung your left foot out too far and that means you’re more likely to cheat or whatever else they might have read in one of those god-awful Wal-Mart checkout lane magazines.

What I’m saying is that you might as well wear whatever you want, as long as you follow two rules. Rule 1: Don’t show your boobs. Rule 2: Don’t show your boobs. You get it. Cover up. That’s right, no cleavage at all. In fact, if you still have a turtleneck left over from the ’90s – I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t – but if you do, go ahead and plan that into your outfit. Actually, slide on one of those “purity rings,” too, just to be safe and avoid questions. Otherwise, your boyfriend’s mother may get jealous if she catches her husband checking out your fabulous rack, or else fear that a saucy little cleavage-bearing seductress is going to swipe her little boy’s purity.

These questions came from Transy students like YOU! Email your questions to kyddunaught@gmail.com or check me out on Facebook. Don’t be shy, now!

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