Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: Will the world end on Dec. 21, 2010? If so, why am I still at Transy?

A: Dear A-Few-Years-Early,

Unless you’re chomping at the bit to meet your maker, I’d suggest having a look at those apocalypse dates.
The world was first supposed to end with the London fire in 1666, but humankind made it through. We barely survived Haley’s Comet in 1910, and Lord knows how lucky we are to count ourselves among the Y2K survivors. It seems like the apocalypse needs to work on its punctuality. Its next deadline is actually Dec. 21, 2012, and there are all kinds of scientific evidence that tells us that this will be the one.

For example, prominent scientist and grandfather of all potheads, Nostradamus, tells us (or rather, certain scholars that have twisted his words in any number of ways to fit their purposes tell us) that the world will most definitely end on this date. The Mayans, too, said the world would end in 2012, though we could likely be holding their calendar upside down, or they just ran out of space and said “whatever.” Like I said, the evidence is irrefutable.

So to answer your question, you’re in the clear this year, but you’re still at Transy because you need to scramble to build your resume as much as possible before the world ends. We all know that the best afterlives only accept those with a 3.8 GPA or above who have double-majored, had an internship, collected 500-plus volunteer hours, studied abroad in three countries, held down a job and have risen to be the president of at least three campus organizations. Who would be satisfied with just plain old immortality? If you plan on hanging out in a house made of gold, you have a busy couple years ahead of you. Good luck.

Q: I hear all these weird noises coming from the room next to mine late at night. I hear the bed creaking, and it sounds like someone who’s out of breath. Should I be concerned?

A: Dear Clueless,

Yes, you probably should be concerned. Several people report these weird noises every night all across campus. It keeps people awake night after night. Try not to wet yourself; this may come as a shock, but the only possible explanation for the strange noises you’re hearing is the return of the infamous Transy ghosts.

These rude visitors haunt Transy dorm rooms every night and lack the common decency to realize that people around them are trying to sleep. Sometimes they’ll trouble your neighbors and yourself for only a couple of minutes, and sometimes they will persist into the wee hours of the morning, at which point you are fully entitled and encouraged to call Ghostbusters in order to get some sleep.

Since the noise has to be tormenting your neighbors in the actual room it’s coming from as well as yourself, I’d advise you to help them out by knocking on their door and saying, “Hey. We’re trying to sleep. Cut it out” (to the ghost, of course). And if their door happens to be unlocked, open it and spray a squirt bottle in the general direction of the noise to show that ghost who is boss and take back control of your sleep schedule.

These questions came from Transy students like YOU! E-mail your questions to kyddunaught@gmail.com or check me out on Facebook. Don’t be shy, now!

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