‘M(a)cDonald’s’: Act I, Scene I

by Kris Olson
Columnist

Scene: Interior of a McDonald’s. By the drive-through window, a boiling cauldron.

Enter the three McDonald’s employees.

First employee: Thrice the brinded cat hath mew’d.

Second employee: Thrice and once the hedge pig whined.

Third employee: Harpier cries, “ ’Tis time, ’tis time.”

Voice of customer: Uh, … I suppose, but I would just like a Big Mac combo.

First employee: Round about the flame grill go;
in the combo entrails throw.

All: Double, double, trouble and toil
Big Mac burn and chicken broil.

Second employee: Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Just to make your arteries clog.
Then we make the special sauce
With salad dressing and clump of moss.
A piece of dirt from off the floor
And wrinkled eyeball from a boar.
Toe of frog and eye of newt,
The lipstick from a prostitute.

All: Double, double, trouble and toil
Big Mac burn and chicken broil.

Third employee: Rest assured you’ll be a fatty
When we add the two beef patties
In between three Ses’me buns
We hope that you don’t get the runs.
A toenail from the short-order cook
And just for fun a fishing hook.
A disclaimer about our food that oozes
Just in case some fat guy sues us.

All: Double, double, trouble and toil
Big Mac burn and chicken broil.

First employee: Scale of dragon, wing of bees
We’ve made five hundred calories!
And the meal will taste like shit
Unless we add employee spit
It’s not fast food if we don’t share
A strand of the cashier’s hair.
All designed to make you fat …

All: And do you want fries with that?

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