Kydd U. Naught

Q: I am lost and helpless without any direction now that the University of Kentucky is out of the NCAA tournament. Can you help me get back on track?

A: Dear Defeated,

There are several activities you can engage in to help ease your pain and get you back on track. Allow me to first suggest cutting out one of those life-size posters of Demarcus Cousins and cuddling with it at night to help you stay connected to the team. Think of him like an abnormally huge security blanket. Don’t worry if half his body hangs off your bed – he’s completely used to it.

Second, why not organize a candlelight vigil for the John Wall dance? This has been a popular pose for the Facebook pictures of UK fans for the past few months. However, since UK basketball fans don’t really watch any other basketball besides UK, this dance is likely to die with the fandom of Wall when he leaves Kentucky.

You could take lessons from the completely effective and not obnoxious at all PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and throw Kentucky Blue paint on anyone from West Virginia you happen to pass. Alternatively, hold a focus group about why West Virginia sucks. Topics of discussion could include how the state ranks last in the nation in regards to people who hold a bachelor’s degree of higher education and how it has the lowest employment rate in the nation. Also, if you’re particularly bitter, vengeful and destructive, you can call up Friends of Coal and partner to hold a rally in favor of mountain top removal, but only in West Virginia.

Lastly, you can ease the pain of the end of this NCAA basketball season by cheering on Transylvania’s own group of all-star basketball players in the making – the Delta Sigma Phi Diva-stators. They’re a young team, so they make a lot of rookie mistakes, and they need to do a lot of work on shooting the three, making free throws, sinking shots from inside and outside the paint, and hitting any other type of shot you can imagine, but they stand a chance to go all the way this year (against themselves).

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