Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q. I’m really bogged down with finals coming up. What is the best way to study?

A. Dear Overloaded,

You’re not alone! In fact most of your fellow classmates will be feeling the strain of increased Facebook obligations in these next few weeks. With finals week comes the stress of having to update your Facebook status every hour or so, letting the world know precisely how stressed you are. “Overloaded McGee doesn’t understand why college isn’t third grade when there was no homework on weekends and how there can still be this much work left to do!”

My best advice would be to remove yourself from distraction. Sometimes it helps to remove yourself from campus altogether to get your work done. Follow the example of several of your intelligent classmates: Go to the William T. Young Library at the University of Kentucky to Facebook. As you walk in, you will see countless people intensely bent over their laptops working tirelessly to finish their crop-harvesting in Farmville or annoying people with Mafia Wars requests so they can finally take a 10-minute break to get started on their homework.

Library Facebooking is also ideal because those books sure come in handy as pillows on which to take a nap after being tuckered out by that taxing line of status updates: “Overloaded McGee is at the Willy T., updating her status,” “Overloaded McGee is still at the Willy T. updating her status,” or “Overloaded McGee doesn’t understand why she should have to waste so much time updating her status.”

Q. My campus smells like excrement. Should I be concerned?

A. Dear Pooped-out,

No worries! I bet you have noticed that the smell is particularly pungent in and around your school’s fitness center. This is most likely a new technique implemented by the school to decrease self-consciousness among exercisers and subsequently to promote exercise.

Think back to that time (most likely the last time you worked out, and every time before that) when you got stuck on the treadmill or weight machine next to that person who, bless their heart, smelled like they could “clear a savannah” – to quote an intelligent cartoon warthog. Maybe you’re that person when you exercise. Now think about working out since the generous spreading of the excrement around campus. I bet you haven’t smelled anyone.

At the very least, this new addition should remind you that no matter what you smell, it could always smell 100 times worse. So look on the bright side, this should allow everyone to work out in misery together without worrying about what others or themselves smell like, thus promoting increased fitness for all. And if all else fails – you can just breathe through your mouth.

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