Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: I’m looking to get in shape this school year. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Dear Chubs,

It’s a good thing you chose to begin your workout planning with a real fitness professional like me! Here is my fail-proof fitness plan to get a rocking body this semester:

1) Set your alarm for five minutes before class starts. This way, you kick off every morning right with a refreshing sprint, which will really boost your cardiovascular strength. If you really want a challenging workout, try for three minutes before class.

2) Don’t buy an umbrella for the year — you’ll get your jog in even on rainy days.

3) Take a semester of only science classes. You’ll have four books that weigh at least 20 pounds apiece that you have to cart back and forth across campus every day. By the end of the semester, you’ll be looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger circa his Mr. Universe days.

4) Befriend only men on Fourth Clay and Davis. Who needs a Stairmaster when you have Transy’s super-modern, elevatorless buildings designed specifically for getting you in shape? If you’re lucky, your new male friends might even ask you to join in on the most fun form of exercise around a college campus — you know what I’m talking about, right? That’s right: trying to carry a couch up or down four flights of stairs. What were you thinking?

Don’t believe that this program will work for you? Just check out this testimonial from a satisfied client: “I had tried so many other fail-proof workout systems in the past, like the Shake Weight, but only Kydd U. Naught’s campus fitness plan got me in the kind of shape I wanted and made me the butt of significantly fewer jokes (but still quite a few).” Happy exercising!

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