Kydd U. Naught: Advice that Doesn’t Suck

Q: How can we get more people to come to home men’s soccer games?

A: Dear Undersupported,

Everyone knows that playing a game with only your parents cheering you on can lead to continual embarrassment as they shout what they believe to be useful advice like “Make a goal!” or “Get the ball!” If you want to bring more of your Transy peers out to the games, though, you’re going to have to get creative.

Sure you might try things like advertising games in more places, scheduling more night games, offering free food or drinks, or playing Centre, but you can get even more innovative and go a step further.

I can’t tell you why — maybe it’s because some fans are too lazy to haul their backsides all the way over to the soccer fields, or maybe it’s because the majority of Transy students are American and don’t even know what soccer is yet, but looking at the historical records of sporting event statistics at Transy, it seems a fool-proof
way to guarantee more attendance at your games would be to move your games to the Beck Center and play with a basketball.

Q: How can we get bad drivers off the road?

A: Dear Probably-Just-Drove-Through-Ohio,

I understand the rage that can come from getting stuck behind someone doing 5 mph under the speed limit in the fast lane or from a car next to you not getting over in an empty left lane while you are trying to merge. Such bad driving has to be stopped.

To get bad drivers off the road, I propose offering the driver’s licensing exam in only some antiquated and esoteric language and requiring all current drivers to retake the exam in said language.

You might be thinking — but that would eliminate pretty much every driver on the road. Exactly. To get rid of bad drivers, we will need to get rid of most drivers. However, if an individual is dedicated and attentive enough to learn a weird language to pass the test, then one could hope they would possess adequate cognitive ability to remember to use a god-forsaken turn signal.

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