Kydd U. Naught: Advice that Doesn’t Suck

Q: There’s a funny, kind of sweet, smoky smell coming from my neighbors’ room. What should I do?

A: Dear Highly Confused,

Don’t call the fire department just yet. No doubt you are just living next to future scientists who are “experimenting.” All that endless laughter you hear coming from the room is just them expressing their excitement over the results of their experiments — it shouldn’t be cause for alarm.

That said, you should probably refrain from going over there to try out these experiments yourself. If they are audacious enough to do these experiments in their dorm room, chances are they are high-ly experienced scientists and wouldn’t want a rookie getting in their way.

If you want to be an awesome neighbor, though, I would recommend buying some brownie mix, pickles, peanut butter, hot fries and a crave case from White Castle and leaving it outside their door — scientists tend to get the munchies.

Q: It’s been a week and a half since my awesome first date with an incredible guy, but he hasn’t called me yet. What should I do?

A: Dear Shafted,

Since you say the date was awesome, there’s no possible way he could have thought otherwise, so clearly he isn’t just not interested. What has probably happened is that he lost your number, has been without service the whole time, has had his phone swiped by a mugger or has decided that he’s too hip to own a phone.
Whatever the exact cause of his noncommunication, clearly he wants desperately to talk to you, but he’s waiting on you to initiate contact since he has absolutely no way to get in touch with you.

You need to start immediately by blowing up his phone with calls and texts and voicemails. If that doesn’t work, then you can bet on no service or stolen phone as a reason. Then you can start bombarding his social networking sites with comments and messages. It’s not showing desperation — it’s showing that you care.

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