Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: The first part of the seventh “Harry Potter” movie comes out this week! How can I explain to my professors that I can’t do their homework all week because I will be rewatching all the previous movies and rereading the seventh book?

A: Dear Potter Freak,

Don’t worry about your teachers in the English department. All you have to say is that your focusing on Potter this week is “vital to your understanding of current literary trends” and that you will “be engaged in deep literary and film analysis” all week.

Your other teachers may not be so forgiving. You can always try to beg for extensions because your OWLs for your other classes are coming up, so clearly they’re going to be your priority.

If that doesn’t work, you can always just charm them with “Obliviate” so they won’t even remember that they assigned homework. Don’t go overboard on this one, though — we all know what happened to dear old Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.

If you’re of a particularly vicious nature, you can always find out where your professors hide their “Pensieves” and see all their embarrassing memories. These should make perfect blackmail with which to con your profs into giving you an extension.

And if they don’t understand just how much more important a movie is than learning, then, “Avada Ked—-!”

Q: I have never read Harry Potter. How can I avoid getting annoyed at all these obscure references I don’t understand this week?

A: Dear … WHAT?!

I … I just … OK, all satire aside, if you want to not be annoyed, just go read the books. There’s really no good reason you haven’t yet. Note that I didn’t say there weren’t any reasons that you haven’t yet, but I can assure you none of them are good reasons.

If you need a way to get out of doing your homework so you can do so, see above.

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