Kydd U. Naught: Advice that Doesn’t Suck

Q: I’m having trouble shopping for the holidays. What is the hottest present this year?

A. Dear Shopped-out,

Many gifts have the potential to be the “hottest” this year. You could go with candles, or perhaps a spiffy new microwave, which is sure to heat things up. If you’re traditional, you can go with the classic coal, which used to be pretty hot and can be again with a little encouragement and stoking. If you want to make a statement, you can kidnap Hugh Jackman or Natalie Portman and slap a bow on him or her. Really, you have endless options if you’re looking for a hot gift.

If you want a “good” gift, though, you might have to think a little harder. For your female friends, I might suggest a vacuum cleaner, an apron or a cookbook — something they need, you know. You can get them jewelry, clothes, their favorite CD, electronics or good books anytime. These are the holidays; who actually gets anything they want? For your male friends, get them something sentimental like the sappiest engraved picture frame you can find or something from Bath and Body Works. Do not get them food of any sort — they hate that.

Best of luck on your shopping adventures this year. If all else fails, you can’t go wrong with gifting a Snuggie — the most comfortable piece a felt that will ever touch your body (and shock it with static electricity).

Q: I have a final in an English class — an English class. How in the world do I study for that?!

A: Dear Mind-blown,

How dare a professor give a final over the information he or she has spent all semester trying to teach you! (Especially in an English class — don’t you all just sit in circles and talk about books you pretend to read, anyways?) I suggest actually reading the books to study for this backstabbing final. I know SparkNotes is tempting, but really — just read this time. You might want to start studying a few months in advance, though. Not even I can come up with a way to read thousands of pages in less than a week.

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