Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: I sometimes feel as though my college administration does not listen to me. How can students get college administrators to listen to their concerns?

A: Dear Rabble-Rouser,

You’re right; dealing with college administrators can be a tricky business. Clearly not human beings just like the rest of us, you shouldn’t attempt to approach this special species in the typical “just call and set up a level-headed meeting” sort of way.

No, if you want answers from your college administrators, or if you want your concerns taken completely seriously, there is one no-fail approach to getting the information you want — gossiping.

What you want to do is begin an abundance of misinformed rumors about administrators or their initiatives. Dramatically over-react about university issues whenever possible. Perhaps submit a hypercritical letter to the editor to your friendly college newspaper.

The administration will eventually become so fed up with your immaturity that it won’t be able to stand not addressing your issues. They and everyone else on campus may loath you, but if you can stand the constant eye-rolls, then you will definitely get your voice heard.

Q: I’m hosting a dinner party for some college students. What should I put on the menu?

A: Dear Brave, Brave Soul,

I’m sorry to tell you that someone has conned you into hosting an impossible party. You see, college students don’t really eat real food. Unless mixing up a big community bowl of monosodium glutamate (MSG) and “natural flavors” sounds appetizing to you, let me offer you a better alternative for a successful college “dinner” party.

College students seem to respond much more positively to beverages. For this reason, I suggest that you serve up a three-course meal of precious, precious liquid (maybe even extending it to 10 courses), and these college students will love you forever.

For appetizers, start off with a familiar college favorite, Keystone. This makes a good first course, because no matter what you serve after it, it is bound to taste like heaven in comparison.

For your main course, offer the full-bodied deliciousness of expensive bourbon, and your college students will become your instant best friends.

For dessert courses, bring in the classic wine. With a party like this, you not only get to make new friends, but you get to laugh at their embarrassing stories the next day — “dinner” party? More like “winner” party. Enjoy.

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