Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: I want to trick the government into funding a business that promotes my religious beliefs. How would I go about doing that?

A: Dear Thou-Shalt-Con,

Good for you for discovering your true life’s purpose: sticking it to the American constitution. Human law doesn’t really count, right? Now, let’s get that money.
First, you must appeal to one of the stereotypically least-educated states in the country, where you’ll be less likely to receive opposition from people who know the regulations on government involvement with religion. Additionally, such a state would be more likely to elect questionable leaders willing to fabricate reasons that bending the rules in your case might be okay: “Oh sure, we can ignore separation of church and state, because it’s going to create jobs.”

After you have chosen your state, you need to create a separate organization that is a “for-profit” organization. Make your religious nonprofit organization “just a supporter” of the for-profit business. That way, you can disguise your plot from the intelligent people in your state that might actually see how your plan is breaking American law.

Lastly, you’ll need to make several public appearances defending your business as one that shares biblical “history” rather than preaches religious dogma, then watch those illegal government tax incentives roll in!

Q: I have a group assignment, and the people in my group are unwilling to do any work. How can I make them do their share and still ensure a good grade?

A: Dear Workaholic,

Face it: In the “real world” (because college isn’t real), most jobs require collaborative work, which is why your professors probably assign it in the first place. You may try to argue that the “real world” isn’t like college at all, and that in the “real world” people aren’t worried about grades and the people you work with will care about their jobs enough to do their share. (Who would ever get stuck working somewhere they hated, right?)

Unfortunately, only one short, simple answer exists to your question. You can’t make the others do their share — do it all yourself. Yes, it will take you four times as long. Yes, the others will get a good grade for doing nothing, but that’s the way the “real world” works, too.

In collaborative work at the graduate level, for example, you will do all the research, run studies and do the write-ups, but your name will be listed last on the publication as your adviser or some older graduate student takes the credit. In the work field, you will slave away all day while your “team manager” naps in his or her comfy office chair.

Get used to defining “collaborative” research as collaborating with caffeine to keep you just conscious enough to tackle the workload of four people. Alternatively, you can just choose better group members next time.


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