Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: How can I deal with yet another Transylvania tuition hike and financial aid cut?

A: Dear debtor,

Ah, yes, the time has come again to shell out more dough for food that doesn’t get any better, water fountain water that tastes like paperclips and nonexistent elevators for males.

Really, though, Transylvania is only trying to prepare you for life after college with a private liberal arts degree. They just want to familiarize you with the overwhelming debt you’ll have to deal with for 20 years, so maybe you should thank them for the preparation.

If you’re not feeling so thankful, though, you can always invade Old Morrison, Wisconsin-style. Make protest signs, camp out in sleeping bags, have people order you pizza while you fight for your “rights.”

The bad news is that they will raise tuition and probably cut your financial aid anyway. The good news is that they won’t touch your bargaining rights — you don’t have any.

It never hurts to try, though, right? And, if all else fails, you can always just post an angry Facebook status about it. Again, it won’t change anything, but it might make you feel better as you take out yet another loan.

Best of luck!

Q: I am not a University of Kentucky basketball fan. How am I supposed to function now that the Wildcats have made it to the Final Four in the tournament?
A: Dear Big-Blue-Hater,

You are walking on dangerous ground, my friend.

Lucky for you, I do have some tips. Follow them carefully if you value your life.

UK basketball fans are certifiably bat-dung crazy, so I would recommend avoiding all sports bars and all public places in possession of a television or radio. UK fans can smell a hater from a mile away, and once they catch your scent, you’re probably a goner.

Second tip: You might want to consider wearing Kentucky blue, just for the next couple of weeks to mask the hater stench. At least you’ll be able to go out in public. If you decide you can’t bring yourself to do that, then for the love of everything in this world do not wear red or any other shade of blue.

Lastly, avoid the UK campus at all costs. You’re likely to be mistaken for a piece of furniture and be lit on fire. This is how UK fans celebrate winning games — lighting whatever is closest to them on fire. They don’t discriminate much.

If you can follow these simple rules, you may just make it through the NCAA tournament alive.

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