Kydd U. Naught: Advice that Doesn’t Suck

Q: I am trying to study in my favorite coffee shop and the table next to me is socializing really loudly. How can I get them to stop? Can’t they see I’m trying to do work?

A: Dear Common Grounds Goer,

So the Davis parties, sorority screeching and awkward zombie fights of Transy have forced you away from campus to study. Congratulations on taking initiative, but it seems you just can’t escape distraction.

I mean, you picked the quietest place you can think of to try to study. The library is much too rowdy these days with the sound of all those pages turning, and the wind is too disruptive outside to work there.

How dare these people encroach on your space at your coffee shop! Just politely lean over to them and remind them that a coffee shop is a public place and that they have no right at all to be there if they don’t feel like studying. That’ll show them.

Q: I am trying to find a job, but even entry-level positions require “experience.” How am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me so that I can get experience?

A: Dear Every College Senior,

Well, you could try crying and begging, but this will only work once out of a 100 attempts.

The best way to land a job to get experience is to just flat-out lie about your experience. Not “lie” as in completely make up a fictional school at which you taught for five years even though you’re just out of college. No! You lie by contorting an experience you do have to fit the experience the employer requires.

Did you sometimes help your roommate with a couple calculus problems? Bam, you have a year’s worth of private tutoring experience, or if you’re really ambitious, one year of full-blown teaching experience with a focus on relating mathematical concepts to practical application.

Did you order a couple pizzas for your last sorority meeting? Well, looks like you’ve been head organizer of event planning with experience working with a budget.

Did you ride in the back of the ambulance when your buddy had to have his stomach pumped on spring break? Shadowing in the medical field.

See, you have all kinds of experience you don’t know about, though I would still keep a flirtatious wink and a suggestive compliment in my back pocket for the interview.

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