Kydd U. Naught: Advice That Doesn’t Suck

Q: When my friends and I find attractive customers that come into our places of employment, we typically find ourselves “accidentally” charging them less for their purchases. Is this wrong?

A: Dear Corporate Nightmares,

Is it wrong? Yes, absolutely, undoubtedly, detestably wrong — if you or your friends also happen to be the owner of the business, who is only supposed to care about making those Benjamins.

If, however, you and your friends happen to be lowly college students like myself, who might only have a couple Washingtons on me at any given time, then I say you are doing no wrong at all.

My advice? As long as you’re going to engage in this minor form of theft, you might as well drop the line, “We’re also having a special today! You get a free phone number with every purchase.” Steal some numbers while you steal from your company!

Q: I had to sign up for a May term class I don’t like. How am I going to make it through?

A: Dear Every Transy First-year,

So you’re stuck in The Phallus in Literature; Spiders, Roaches and other Creepy Crawlies; or Writing Emo Poetry.

Look on the bright side. You will be in class with 10 other people who don’t want to be in there either, so at least you’ll have one other to lean on when you’re falling asleep or grossed out.

If you’re not comforted by that and you have an extra five bucks to spend, some nearby gas stations are currently selling 64-ounce mugs that you can refill for 80 cents for the rest of your life.

What you don’t know is that they created this offer specifically for college students in your situation. These mugs are perfect for filling half with your favorite soda and half with another beverage that makes you happy. I’m sure no professor would be even slightly suspicious.

Have a flavorful May term!

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