Don’t ask, Don’t tell, Don’t care?

It doesn’t matter which side you fall on: the side for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the side against it or the side of fries. It’s troublesome that we’ve not enacted policy changes addressing a the serious issue of romantic attraction, both homosexual and heterosexual.

The repeal of DADT has dangerous consequences: Gay men and lesbians are going to be physically involved with one other and will not have time to defend our country. But this is also a problem affecting the heterosexual community.

Already we’ve made things easy for romance. They’re in a foreign country; they’re feeling solidarity with their fellow soldiers; they’re facing death day after day after day.

It’s a romance movie ready to happen, and amidst this romance, biology is making heavy and distracting demands upon them. This is problematic.

One solution I first thought of was this: All of the gay people could take turns being gay. All of them would, in private, tell their commanding officers that they were gay. The commanding officers could then pull out a slip and say the name of whoever came out of the hat, and that person could be allowed to be gay that day.

This way, if there’s only one gay person at a time, there won’t be any public displays of affection, thus ensuring the continued vigilence of the U.S. military. In fact, it could be two people at a time — one gay man and one lesbian — because they won’t tempt each other.

These people would change daily, however. So, once your turn is up, you must not be gay again until the next draw.

This is mildly problematic in that other people may still treat the gay person as gay, even days after that person’s name was drawn. Denying it wouldn’t help, nor would the commanding officer demanding that they desist treating the gay soldier as gay. Because, ultimately, by silencing those people, they would only be lending strength to their words, and lending them truth. It also fails to address heterosexual attraction. So perhaps this is not a good plan.

The other plan, a better one, is that all the gay soldiers should be separated somehow. Now, in the past, somebody more unsophisticated than me might think that you’d just divide the army into a “gay” branch and a “straight” branch. While this may keep homosexuals from distraction, it fails to help the heterosexuals, who have been facing such unsafe conditions and discrimination for as long as the military has housed both sexes.

Therefore, we should break the military into lots and lots of small platoons, in which we’d place one gay person and nine people of the opposite sex. (This is based off the assumption that 10 percent of the population is gay and 50 percent of the army is made up of women.) This way, you’d ensure that nobody would be having sex with anybody else.

This is the solution to the problem.

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