Reduce, Reuse, Recycle – the Library?

by Lillie Beiting
Guest Columnist

With the new year come the generic promises of New Year’s resolutions and the social mores of convincing ourselves we’re actually going to do something this year that will truly affect us all on a molecular level. So, given this annual genesis of self-deceit, I think it’s by far time that we, as a community, buckle down to focus on not raping the earth for a few minutes. I think it’s time that we, as a body of responsible scholars, all band together to ensure that the fine campus of Transylvania University is authentically paperless.

I know that the” paperless” movement at Transy has historically been under fire, and I admonish and publicly threaten anyone who has ever criticized it. After all, taking a suffix like “-less” is the most effective means of sufficiently addressing the horrific reality of global waste and destruction. Truly, removing the abomination of paper from our campus is the only method by which we can be sustainable.

Unknown to many at Transy, we sadly have an entire building dedicated to wasting the precious lives of angiosperms. This building does not care how many pieces of tree it uses to profligate its dangerous, liberal ideas. And while I know it may be shocking, I must tell you that the heinous and utterly evil Douglass Gay Jr. Library is ruining our stance as an eco-friendly and paperless campus.

We can no longer tolerate its “intellectual” assault on our planet.

We must do something to combat its waste, and I suggest that we, as a learned body of scholars, band together to recycle the entire contents of the Transylvania University library. We must rectify the years of historical wrongs compiled against our new eco-tastic modus operandi, and it will take the entire student body to accomplish such a dream.

I’m not suggesting we throw the entire collection to the Fayette County recycling program — I truly suggest that we creatively reuse the paper these monsters have wasted on something to further our responsive and creative public relations.

Looking for some attic insulation? The entire chemical reference collection will pad your house for many years. Need some festive wallpaper? Use the pages from Man Ray art books. Dying for some kindling for your apartment? Take anything by Ayn Rand. The possibilities for reusing our priceless collection are endless! Get creative, recycling community! We can do so much!

The librarians who have depended on our use of this collection to ensure that they can feed their families will surely acquiesce to our recycling demands. We cannot be tempted to consider the historic usefulness of paper, as that will compromise our ethos. Instead, we must show the world that we mean what we said in all those brochures, and we must scrap the entire botanical assault on our school.

Who is with me, and what does your Saturday look like? Let’s do it, people.

 

With the new year come the generic promises of New Year’s resolutions and the social mores of convincing ourselves we’re actually going to do something this year that will truly affect us all on a molecular level. So, given this annual genesis of self-deceit, I think it’s by far time that we, as a community, buckle down to focus on not raping the earth for a few minutes. I think it’s time that we, as a body of responsible scholars, all band together to ensure that the fine campus of Transylvania University is authentically paperless.

I know that the” paperless” movement at Transy has historically been under fire, and I admonish and publicly threaten anyone who has ever criticized it. After all, taking a suffix like “-less” is the most effective means of sufficiently addressing the horrific reality of global waste and destruction. Truly, removing the abomination of paper from our campus is the only method by which we can be sustainable.

Unknown to many at Transy, we sadly have an entire building dedicated to wasting the precious lives of angiosperms. This building does not care how many pieces of tree it uses to profligate its dangerous, liberal ideas. And while I know it may be shocking, I must tell you that the heinous and utterly evil Douglass Gay Jr. Library is ruining our stance as an eco-friendly and paperless campus.

We can no longer tolerate its “intellectual” assault on our planet.

We must do something to combat its waste, and I suggest that we, as a learned body of scholars, band together to recycle the entire contents of the Transylvania University library. We must rectify the years of historical wrongs compiled against our new eco-tastic modus operandi, and it will take the entire student body to accomplish such a dream.

I’m not suggesting we throw the entire collection to the Fayette County recycling program — I truly suggest that we creatively reuse the paper these monsters have wasted on something to further our responsive and creative public relations.

Looking for some attic insulation? The entire chemical reference collection will pad your house for many years. Need some festive wallpaper? Use the pages from Man Ray art books. Dying for some kindling for your apartment? Take anything by Ayn Rand. The possibilities for reusing our priceless collection are endless! Get creative, recycling community! We can do so much!

The librarians who have depended on our use of this collection to ensure that they can feed their families will surely acquiesce to our recycling demands. We cannot be tempted to consider the historic usefulness of paper, as that will compromise our ethos. Instead, we must show the world that we mean what we said in all those brochures, and we must scrap the entire botanical assault on our school.

Who is with me, and what does your Saturday look like? Let’s do it, people.

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One Response to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle – the Library?

  1. Quinn Haddad says:

    I truly appreciate this article post. Awesome.

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